The Hand That Holds Me Read online

  I said the last part more for myself than him. It’s the only thing that calms me is to know there isn’t anyone else touching what is mine.

  “Johnson? Her last name is Johnson? How?” shock evident in his voice.

  “Sara had her name legally changed before she died and she wanted Lisa and her husband to adopt Maddie. They went to the courts before she passed and a judge signed off on it.” I delicately explained to him. This was why he could never find her even though he has been looking for over ten years.

  “But, I was listed as the father on the birth certificate. Sara would have needed my signature to allow her to be adopted.” He asked, choking on emotion.

  “Sara had her birth certificate amended and had you removed as the father. The judge agreed that since you had been absent since Maddie was three days old and after…well… that night, he saw no reason to leave you listed as her father. He saw the medical reports about Sara’s illness, Lisa desire to adopt Maddie, and your denial of her so he had the certificate amended. You were removed as father and then Sara passed away.”

  I could hear the uptake of breath and knew that the news I’d just delivered was tearing him apart. He’d wanted nothing more than to go after them, to be a father to Maddie and a husband to Sara, but had to push them away, reject them, to keep them safe. He never had the chance to tell Sara how he really felt about her.

  “Listen, let me get showered and we’ll meet. There is so much more that you don’t know and I want you to have the chance to look over everything before we try and make contact with her.”

  “Fine, I’ll meet you at the Perk Spot on Peachtree in forty-five minutes.” He said before the phone disconnected.

  I looked down at the phone and realized, that my life was about to change too. No more work trips around the country. No more anonymous one-night stands. No more being alone. Maddie was about to have her entire world upended, and I planned on being there to hold her through everything. She will be mine.

  As I drank my coffee, Caroline chattered away from the drivers’ seat about something that I missed. I absently nodded my head as I looked out the window, watching the cars pass by, wondering where they are going.

  Who is waiting at home for them when they return?

  Do they have people that love them? Parents who lift them up to higher goals?

  Is there support when they fail?

  Jesus, I need to snap out of this funk. Its’ been years since I have thought about him and today, it seems like he is heavy on my mind.

  Maybe it’s the fact that today I’m the same age as my mother when she had me.

  The same age as she was when she was left to take care of me on her own. The same age as she was when she began the struggle that I’m convinced killed her.

  I often wondered if she hadn’t had me, what would her life had become? Would she still be alive? Living happily with my father? Perhaps traveling the world having amazing adventures.

  “Earth to Maddie. Did you hear what I just said?” Caroline asked, snapping me back from the endless questions rolling around in my head regarding my parents.

  “I’m sorry Caroline. I must have zoned out. What were you saying?” I asked her, embarrassed that I hadn’t heard anything she said.

  “I said its almost time for you to put on the blindfold. I don’t want to ruin your surprise before we get there.” She was practically humming with nervous energy. Now I started worrying. She only gets this way when we are about to do something really crazy or really stupid.

  “Where are we going?” I ask in a rush as I look around trying to get my bearings on where we were located in Atlanta. Only, I didn’t really recognize anything around us. “Where are we?”

  “Please, just put the blindfold on. I promise you’ll love where we are going and you don’t have to wear it long. Please?”

  I can’t turn her down when she uses that small voice. The same voice I remember as a child, telling me everything was going to be okay after my mother died.

  I tied the blindfold around my eyes, turning in her general direction. “I didn’t know you were so kinky Caroline” wagging my eyebrows up and down.

  “Well, there are a few things about me you don’t know” she said and I can hear the smile in her voice.

  “Really?!”

  “No, silly. I’m as vanilla as they come. At least that’s what my last ex said.”

  “Screw him. He was a jerk and he cheated on you with how many girls?”

  “Too many to count. Forget about him. Today is about you, me, and adventure.”

  Caroline turned the radio up and my favorite Breaking Benjamin songs started blasting through the speakers. I sang along at the top of my lungs, not caring who saw me blindfolded and performing karaoke in the passenger seat.

  I felt the car make a left turn and then a short distance later, a right, and then the car comes to a stop.

  “Can I take this off yet?” I asked the second the car rolled to a stop.

  “Not yet. Give it just another minute. Someone will be here to help us very soon.” Caroline said, with her mega smile beaming brightly in her voice.

  The next thing I knew, my door was being opened and someone took my hand to help me out. It’s difficult to move around when you can’t see where you are going, but I put my faith in the person holding my hand that they would keep me safe and unharmed.

  I felt hands come around behind my head, just as I heard Caroline’s door close.

  I blinked when the bright light hit my eyes and it took me a moment to recognize who was standing in front of me.

  “Josh!” I screamed as I jumped into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. “What are you doing here? Wait. Where is here?” For the first time I really started looking around to see where I was.

  Caroline came up beside me and patted me on the back while I was climbing down from Josh.

  “You always said you wanted to skydive, so today we are going to work on that life list of yours. But, just so you know, we are marking through a few on your list today.” Josh smirked at me as I found myself still in his arms.

  I couldn’t help but admire how attractive he is. Just over 6-feet tall with beautiful brown eyes, jet black hair and enough of a beard to make him have that edgy bad boy vibe. His tanned skin covered in black designs of swirls and geometric patterns that I have traced with my fingers too many times to count.

  Josh and I had dated the summer after I graduated high school. It was our first semester at the University of Georgia. Since we were second year students, Caroline and I had a co-ed dorm. Josh was on the same floor as us and we meet during a social mixer the first weekend. We were inseparable until my insecurities got in the way. I broke things off with him but we remained best friends. Strange, I know, to be friends with a guy you had sex with, but I was never in love with Josh. I had very strong feelings for him, and the sex was amazing, but the love never developed. I never allowed myself to open that part of my heart to him. We have hooked up a few times through the years but I decided recently we were better off as friends and, so far, we’ve been able to stick to that agreement.

  I even set him up on a blind date a few months after we broke up. Again, strange, but I couldn’t not have him in my life and I wanted him to be happy… just not with me.

  I backed away and put some space between us. I can feel the blush overtake my face and I try to look down to hide my embarrassment.

  Josh lifted my head with his finger looking me straight in the eyes. “Today is all about you and making your dreams come true. You do so much for everyone else, you put so much work into your degree and volunteer work, and you barely allow yourself any time to relax. Please, Honey, let us do this for you. Let us show you a good time today and let’s celebrate your birthday in style.”

  I loved when he called me Honey. It was his pet name for me and it was our inside joke as to how he came up with that name. Let’s just say I will never look at a jar of honey the same way.

  As
I peered into his eyes, I saw all the love he has for me. Only he had never uttered a word about it. I’ve known Josh has been in love with me since we dated, but I kept him firmly planted in the friend zone, occasionally with benefits.

  Harsh, I know, but necessary. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I felt like I had already had.

  I’ve never allowed myself to be open with a man and I don’t think I ever will. After all the crap I saw my mother go though, having a man say they love you, get you pregnant and then leave you would destroy me. So, I keep them at arm’s length where I am safe. Sex is fine, just not love.

  “Let’s do this” I screamed as I flung my arms in the air. “Let’s carpe the hell out of this diem” I laugh as they started dancing and jumping around with me.

  Holy crap, I’m about to jump out of a plane. What the hell am I thinking?!

  As I parked the car in the lot around the corner from the coffee shop, I paused to look at Maddie’s picture again. She is so beautiful and from what I have found out about her and the life she has had, she’s a good person as well.

  She volunteers at an area nursing home a few days a month spending time with the residents and she’s been involved in literacy programs with area libraries since she was fifteen. Impressive for a teenager.

  This woman has accomplished her goals without the assistance of her father or his money. She was an orphan who climbed her way out of the situation she found herself in and I couldn’t be prouder of her or her accomplishments.

  I exited the car and began the walk toward a meeting that has been too many years in the making. I just hoped I could keep Jason from going off the deep end and trying to find her today. She deserves to find out the truth about her past, but I don’t want it to ruin her birthday. Hopefully, Jason would give it some time before he beats down her door to see her.

  I walked into the coffee shop, grateful for the air conditioning. That’s the one thing I haven’t become accustomed to living in Georgia for the last 12 years, the ridiculous humidity. Today was going to be a hot day in the city and it was only April. I’ll take the cool breeze from the ocean any day.

  I looked around and spotted Jason sitting in the back of the coffee shop, starring at his hands. His body full of tension.

  He looked up and motioned for me to sit down.

  “I grabbed you a coffee, black, one sugar. I hope that’s okay.”

  I’ve never seen Jason like this. Nervous and anxious. He’s always been in control of the room and the people in it. His ability to read people led him to becoming a pioneer in media and communications but the man in front of me appeared broken. Lost.

  I knew that meeting his daughter and setting the past right has weighed on him for the last twenty-one years and I hope the news I’m going to give him will help settle his restless soul.

  I’ve known Jason since I was a little kid. My dad and Jason were best friends before I lost him suddenly to a car accident when I was fifteen.

  My mom tried everything she could to keep me from getting in trouble, but I was angry at everyone and everything for losing my dad. I started skipping school and experimenting with drinking and marijuana.

  At the end of her rope, mom contacted dad’s friend Jason and he agreed to let me move in with him. I needed male guidance and structure that my mom couldn’t give me, while taking care of my younger brother and sister. So, I moved from California to Atlanta and my life completely changed.

  Jason took me under his wing and helped me to achieve success that I would have otherwise not had access to. He guided me through my anger, taught me constructive ways to channel the frustration, and eventually, I was back on track for a successful future.

  I wanted to make my parents proud and I wanted to show Jason that all his hard work and guidance had been put to good use.

  He helped me earn my degree, showed me the ins and outs of his business, and put me to work right out of college.

  I wouldn’t have the life I have if it wasn’t for Jason. I felt like I owed him and set out to find his daughter for him. He talked about her when I was living with him. How he had screwed up and just wanted one chance to make things right with her.

  One evening a few years ago, after a few too many scotches, Jason told me about Sara. His love for her was deep and brightly burning, even after all this time. He’d had to eviscerate himself when he pushed his one true love away. He broke himself to protect her and their precious daughter.

  I’d had to find Maddie, but it hadn’t been easy.

  Sara definitely wanted Maddie as far from Jason as possible. It was almost like Sara was hiding Maddie from Jason and the rest of the world. I wondered if she knew the real reason Jason pushed her away, the dangers that were associated with his family all those years ago.

  Thank God he was able to put all those problems to rest. Immediately he started looking for Maddie, but was never able to find her.

  It took scouring social media, cross checking birthdates and investigating Sara’s past before I got a lead on Maddie.

  “First things first.” I said to Jason as I slid the picture of Maddie across the table to him.

  He took it from me with shaking hands and as soon as he looked onto her perfect face, his eyes began to fill with tears.

  “She looks just like Sara. She is so beautiful. Tell me all about her. I need to know she has been taken care of, Lucas. Please,” he begged, his finger stroking the photo.

  “Let’s start at the beginning and I’ll tell you everything that I know. Shortly after that night at your house…” I faltered, looking at Jason, not wanting turn the knife into his heart any more than it already was.

  “It’s okay. I’ve excepted that I was a bastard to the one person I loved and sent my only child out to face the world alone. For that, I hope that she and God can forgive me,” Jason mutters sadly, never taking his eyes of her picture.

  “Sara left Metro-Atlanta and moved about an hour and a half south to Columbus. Her best friend Lisa and Joe lived there and opened their home to Sara and Maddie. They went through all the legal proceedings to allow Lisa and Joe to adopt Maddie when Sara passed away, as I told you this morning.”

  He moved his head up and down in acknowledgment, wiping the tears that were rolling down his face. Thank goodness his back was facing the room and we were tucked discreetly into a corner. Knowing Jason like I do, he must be walking an emotional high-wire to cry in public.

  “From what I gathered, Maddie adjusted to living with the Johnsons pretty well. She was top of her class every year and graduated high school with enough credits to be a college sophomore.”

  Pride. That’s what I saw when I looked at Jason. Pure pride for the daughter he never knew.

  “She and Lisa’s daughter, Caroline, attended the University of Georgia together. They both have a Bachelor’s Degree in Business with a specialty in non-profits and charitable work. She graduated top of her class in two and a half years. They currently live in Downtown Atlanta on Peachtree North. You know that big complex that has the beautiful balconies?” Jason nodded. “That one.”

  “How do they afford a nice place in downtown Atlanta? You said they just graduated from college and what little I remember about Lisa and Joe, they weren’t exactly well off financially.” He looked truly perplexed.

  “Sara had a life insurance policy that paid out when she died. Lisa and Joe put the money into an account for Maddie and she has access to it for necessities. She and Caroline both received full scholarships so college was basically free. When they graduated a few months ago, Maddie used the money from Sara to buy a two-bedroom apartment for her and Caroline.”

  “How much money did Sara’s life insurance pay?”

  “She had a policy for half a million dollars. Apparently, she took the policy out when she found out she was pregnant with Maddie. Paperwork shows she changed the beneficiary to the policy about two weeks before she died.”

  “Who was the original payee?” Jason asked, knowing the ans
wer before he uttered the words.

  “You, Jason. She wrote a letter that was attached to the policy. I’ve seen a copy of it. Sara stated she hoped you would have changed your mind about taking Maddie, but when she knew there was no chance you would return before she died, she ensured that Maddie would be taken care of.”

  With that bit of news, Jason closed his eyes and silently wept. I gave him a few minutes to gather himself, wishing I didn’t have to tell him all the details, but he deserves to know everything. That way, when he finally meets Maddie, he may understand why she probably won’t be receptive to him.

  “Look, I don’t mean to make you feel worse, but you have to understand that Maddie may not want to meet you. She’s gone her entire life thinking you don’t want her, only to lose the one parent she had left. Add to that, she lived with a family that loved her dearly, but she never knew where she came from. Sara had no family, and you walked away. Maddie may feel alone and not want to accept you or the truth,” I tell my mentor without allowing the emotion to show in my voice.

  Be strong and never show weakness to your opponent. That’s what Jason taught me. To see him so emotional was a little unsettling for me. I understood why he was feeling the way he was, but it was still tough to witness.

  “I’m okay, Lucas. Please continue.” Wiping his face with a handkerchief discreetly.

  “She volunteers at an area nursing home spending time with the residents and assists with the literacy program at local library. This is something she has done since she was fifteen years old. When she graduated high school, she received an award from the library system in her hometown for 1000 hours of volunteer service in three years.”