The Soul That Redeems Me (The Forever Mine Series Book 3) Read online

  Since I’d met him, I hadn’t heard of him going out on a date and I wondered if he was keeping it quiet because of my stupid childish crush. I think a part of me would die if I knew he was dating someone, kissing them, touching them. I wanted Josh for myself, but I was scared of rejection. Scared of the reaction my body had when I was near him. Scared of being intimate with him and somehow not being able to live up to his expectations.

  I think that may be my biggest obstacle where Josh, or any guy for that matter, resides. My fear of being with someone after what I went through. Who would want to be with the broken girl who keeps secrets from them? My mother was the only one who knew my greatest shame and when she died, I felt like the only person who understood my fears, left me alone to figure out that part of my life.

  I was snapped out of my daydream as Josh and I wove through the hallways and found the bank of elevators. My palms were sweating and he brought my hand up to his mouth and gave me a gentle kiss, not unlike I have seen him do with Maddie and Caroline in the past. The mixed signals my brain was receiving was starting to give me whiplash. One minute I would think he’s showing me affection on a friendship level, then the next I looked into his eyes and I got lost in forever.

  We stepped into the elevator and began our rise into the hospital, making our way to labor and delivery. We walked into the waiting area and were met by Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe, Maddie, and Caroline’s parents. They weren’t my blood aunt and uncle but had been a huge part of my life before the accident. I found myself clinging to them when they were around. Maybe it was the parental aspect of them I craved, and I was happy that they’d welcomed me back into the family.

  “Emily, you look beautiful, as always.” Aunt Lisa engulfed me in a hug that immediately had my anxiety calming down and my restless mind settling.

  “Thank you, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Joe, are you ready to become a Papa?” I asked as I shifted into his arms and allowed my worries to float away. They were here if something went wrong, and they were the bedrock of our dysfunctional little family.

  “I sure am! Look at the shirts we had made!” He laughed as he showed me his custom t-shirt with the words One Proud Papa and motioned for Lisa to open her sweater, revealing the words One Proud Nana written across the front of hers.

  A giggle bubbled up from inside and for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely happy. I needed to embrace the good of what being here meant and allow my fears to leave me for the time being. I could always worry about all the unknown and fears later. Right now, I was waiting for my niece to be born and I was determined to enjoy every minute of the wait.

  Looking over at Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe, I envied what they have. They met when he was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Benning, Ga. and fell in love almost immediately. He served his four years, left military service for civilian life, and had never looked back. My father had met him when we moved to the neighborhood and they bonded over their love of country, honor, duty, and most importantly, family.

  Lisa and Joe adopted Maddie when she was eight years old after her mother died, the family of three became a family of four. When Lucas and Maddie were dating, Maddie found out that Lucas worked for Jason, her biological father. Jason had been at quite a few get-togethers and the relationship he had with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe was remarkable. He praised them for raising Maddie and was generous to the family, almost to a fault.

  I once asked Josh if he was trying to buy his way into the family and he explained that Jason had broken his own heart to ensure Maddie and her mothers’ safety. His fortune had grown by leaps and bounds during their separation and he’s now one of the largest internet, media, and phone company in the country. His generosity was to ensure that those who cared for his daughter were cared for themselves. That inner circle now included me and my brother Andrew, along with Josh and his parents.

  “Where are your parents, Josh? I thought for sure they would be here.” I turned my head toward Josh, curious to hear the answer.

  “They are taking care of Jake and there are some repairs and renovations being done to my place. Nothing major, but they insisted on being there to guarantee it is done properly the first time,” he responded with a smile on his face.

  Josh loved his parents more than anyone I’ve ever seen. They had a unique relationship and I was fascinated by the interactions.

  I know a little about Josh and his background but have never asked any probing questions regarding his adoption. All I know for sure is he was 12 and his parents were in their late forties when they adopted him. They’re still very active for their age and the dote on Josh and Jake, always willing to ‘grand-dog’ sit, so Josh can travel for his job.

  A part of me was curious about his life before his adoption, but like my “accident”, I didn’t want him to have to explain the painful and irritating parts of his life. So, I wondered but never asked. I tried to get lost in my textbook, hoping to get some studying in while we were waiting on the newest arrivals of the family to be born. I don’t know how many times I read the same paragraph, hoping to get lost in the words and out of my own head.

  I looked up to the sound Andrew coming into the waiting room. He walked straight to me and engulfed me in a hug, the nervous energy rolling off of him in waves. I didn’t know what to say to help with his fears of impending fatherhood so I deflected the conversation to Caroline.

  “How is she doing? How long do they think she will be in labor?” I asked, hoping those were the right questions to ask.

  “The doctor just checked her and she is about to get an epidural so she sent me out while they got her prepped. She’s progressing fast, so hopefully, it won’t be too long. I hate seeing her in pain but I know it will be worth it when I can hold my daughter in my arms,” he spoke to the entire group that had gathered closer while he hugged me.

  “Can we see her after they give her the epidural?” Aunt Lisa questioned.

  “She asked that you be in the room while they do the procedure. I think she’ s scared and asked me to come to get you,” Andrew explained, a look of panic in his eyes.

  “Absolutely. Let’s go take care of our girl,” she replied as she linked arms with my brother and set off to Caroline’s room.

  Uncle Joe stood when they were out of sight, “I’m going to grab us some coffees. Do you want anything?”

  “I would love a coffee with creamer only. Emily?” Josh turned to me and I nodded my head, letting them know I was good with that option.

  “Do you still take hazelnut creamer like my daughters?” Uncle Joe chuckled as he gathered his coat.

  I felt the blush creeping up my face, “Yes, please.”

  “Same for me actually, Joe. Do you want me to come with you?” Josh always offered to help anytime something needed doing.

  “Nah. I can get it. You two stay here in case Lisa comes back out. I’m going to leave my phone on charge so I’ll be straight back,” he answered as he walked down the hall, leaving Josh and I alone in our little corner of the waiting room, far away from the other family who was here waiting on their new arrival.

  “Hey, are you doing okay?” Josh asked, his voice low and barely audible to the people across the room.

  How do I answer that? If I tell him the truth, he will run away from me and if I lie, he gives me this look indicating he knows I’m hiding something.

  “I’m doing as well as can be expected, to tell you the truth.” The words popping out of my mouth before the filter caught them and spun them into another false smile and convincing performance.

  A gentle smile graced his handsome face as he took my fidgeting hands into his and began to stroke the backs with his thumb. I don’t know what possessed me to be honest with him but maybe this was my way of finally getting him to define what I am to him. Or maybe my emotions at being at the hospital and with my secrets weighing me down, I just needed someone to tell the truth to.

  “Do you want to tell me what is causing your anxiety? Is there something I can do to hel
p? Please, Emily, talk to me,” he implored, his chocolate brown eyes gazing into mine as I fought the bile rising in my throat.

  “It’s…it’s being here,” I whispered, fearful that once the words were out, they would wrap me up and carry me further into my impending emotional breakdown. Hopefully, the baby comes quickly and I can make it home before anyone sees me lose my cool. The façade I had crafted around myself was cracking. I prayed no one tried to penetrate the walls and see my raw, bleeding pain, my resentment, or my shame.

  “Here in Atlanta?” he questioned, his head turning sideways slightly, his eyebrows coming together in a show of confusion.

  “No. Here, at the hospital.” I explained, hoping he would understand without me having to spell it out for him.

  It took a moment for him to realize what I meant. He laid my hands back on my lap and placed his muscled arm around my shoulder, gently pulling my small body into his big one. I felt his strong lips place a chaste kiss on the top of my head. At that moment, I didn’t want to figure out friendship over romance. I needed his strength and comfort, knowing he hadn’t judged me on what happened, or my anxious reaction to being back inside a hospital.

  “Do you have your medication with you?” He asked, causing me to attempt to jerk away from him.

  He kept his arm around me, not allowing any distance between us and helping me to begin to calm again. The question of how he knew I was taking meds began to dance around my emotional wrecked brain.

  “How did you know? Not even Andrew or Caroline know. I’m careful to never allow anyone to see my prescriptions.” I asked into his shoulder as I continued to breathe in his clean scent, the smell of the hospital fading with each lung full of his intoxicating smell.

  “It was just a guess. I was taking a shot in the dark, but thank you for being honest with me. Why don’t you tell your brother about it? Why keep it a secret?”

  “Andrew took on too much when Mom and Dad died. He already carried enough guilt over, well… over everything. He didn’t need to know I was having anxiety attacks so I had Dr. Lee agree to not divulge it to him, even though he was my guardian. He thought I should let him know, but I didn’t want Andrew treating me like I was even more fragile. Does that make any sense?” I rambled on, hoping I wasn’t scaring him away.

  “It makes perfect sense and I promise to keep your secret. Have you taken your meds today?” he gently asked me, his soft voice loud enough for my ears only.

  “I skipped my morning dose. I was afraid to take one before we got here and be too out of it.”

  “If you need to, please take it. I’ll be right here the whole time. Lean on me when your anxiety starts to grow. Let me help you through this, Emily. Let me be here for you.”

  “I… okay.” Not needing any further push. He was right, my unease was growing, not shrinking, and I needed to be strong for my brother and the newest addition to our family.

  I reached into my backpack and took a pill out of the bottle, popping it in my mouth and fishing around for my bottle of water, only to have a freshly opened one placed in my hand by Josh. I cut my eyes to him as I took a drink, swallowing the pill down, a little more of my shame leaving my troubled and overworked mind.

  Josh knew I was taking medication and he didn’t run from me or judge me. No matter what the circumstances, I was keeping him in my life, even if it was only ever as a friend.

  As I watched her swallow the pill, I was beginning to get a better picture of Emily. She had dealt with so much and when she lost her parents, she began to keep secrets from Andrew, afraid he would become more protective of her than he already was. He explained his overwhelming guilt at what Emily had endured and he tried to allow her the freedom a college student needed, all while worrying she would somehow be harmed again.

  It wasn’t a healthy way for either of them to live, but today was not the time to address the importance of honesty within the family. Today, I needed her to lean on me and let me help her. I had smelled the familiar scents of the hospital when we walked in and I felt her tense next to me. I felt the need to take her hand in mine, hoping to give her the strength to continue.

  When she confided in me what she was feeling by being at the hospital, her reaction earlier made more sense. I was having difficulty being here and not remembering the last days of my mother’s life, hooked up to machines breathing for her. A painful past that I try not to dwell on but certain things triggered the agonizing memories and I was still figuring out ways to deal with them.

  The quiet of the waiting room stretched around us and I felt like maybe today would be a good day to help her deal with an issue without drawing too much attention to my own past. That could be saved for a later time when she was able to listen without feeling sorry for me or herself. Not that I assume she is feeling sorry for herself, but anxiety attacks can trigger self-doubt and loathing and I wanted to tread carefully when I told my truth.

  “When I was 8 years old, my biological mother got sick and there was no family to take care of me. She was in and out of the hospital for the next few years and I spent a lot of time in the halls of hospitals. I said my final goodbye the day after Christmas, just before my twelfth birthday. The smell in here reminds me of all the time we spent in and out of the wards, me finding a couch or the nurses getting me a cot to sleep on since there wasn’t anyone at the house to take care of me. I thought I was over it but being here has got me thinking about her more and more. She would have liked you.” I tell her, hoping to make her understand that everyone has issues and there is no shame in letting others know you need help, either with medication or other methods.

  She had placed her small hand over her plump, kissable lips and tears glistened in her eyes at my telling of the story. I never wanted to upset her with my truth and I hoped I didn’t make her issues worse.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel, well, not exactly, but…” her hand moved to cover my mouth to stop my rambling.

  “Thank you for sharing that with me, Josh. I never want to pry into your past but thank you for telling me.” She inhaled a large breath, exhaled and continued, “It’s not the smell so much as the combination of sounds, smells, and memories. I try not to think about it, hoping to be able to move on when something as small as latex gloves and alcohol cause me to nearly hyperventilate. The last time I was in a hospital was when Andrew and I had to identify our parents after the wreck. Andrew left me with the detectives while he went into the room and confirmed what the police already knew. The look on his face when he came out still haunts me, his eyes filled with tears and his hands shaking from the grief. I remember falling to the floor, crying as he engulfed me in a hug, us rocking back and forth. The detectives gave us privacy to mourn the best two people I have ever met. I don’t have much memory of my time in the hospital and for that, I’m very thankful. I guess being here today with Andrew and Caroline about to have a baby, I realize my parents will never get to meet their grandchildren and it makes it more real. I miss them every day. I think they would have liked you too, Josh.” Her large, expressive eyes gave me a glimpse into her soul, showing me the beautiful light shining inside of her.

  I gently kissed the hand that was still over my mouth, linking her fingers into mine as I stared at her, trying to convey my feelings without giving myself away. Today was not the time for me to declare my love for her.

  Yes, I loved her! I fell in love with her the night I held her in my arms at the roadhouse and swayed to the music engulfing us. I knew then, she had a secret that she was carrying and I knew, no matter what it was, I would never, not love her.

  We allowed the sounds of the hospital waiting room to overtake our conversation, no more words needing to be spoken. She had given me a small amount of her burden, allowing me to carry it for her. I wanted to take the weight of the world off her shoulders, hoping to give her life back the happiness she deserved. We sat, our hand intertwined when Joe walked in with
a small and knowing smile on his face.

  I think Joe and Lisa had figured out the depth of my feelings for Emily, but so far, my friends have yet to figure out the true seriousness of my feelings for her. I hadn’t touched another woman in over a year. No one compared to Emily and I don’t want to scratch an itch and have Emily think less of me. I could control my libido and I’d wait for her until she was mine or she tells me she doesn’t feel the same about me.

  Joe hands us our coffee and sits down, just as his phone begins to ring. “It’s Lucas.” He informed us before answering the call. “Hey, Lucas. How’s my girl? Really? Yeah, we’re in the waiting room and Lisa is in the back with Andrew and Caroline. Okay, I’ll let everyone know. Yup, see you soon.” Laughing, he disconnected the call.

  “Well, looks like Maddie couldn’t be outdone by her sister. She is in active labor and her OB is sending her directly here to get her admitted. It looks like both babies will be here at close to the same time. Wait until Lisa gets back out here. She is going to be so excited!” Joe explained as he began pacing back and forth in front of Emily and me, the biggest smile I have ever seen from him expressing his utter joy.

  “Leave it to Maddie and Caroline to be the sisters to deliver their babies on the same day! Has Lucas called Jason?” I asked Joe, trying to get his attention. I could tell he was eager to tell his wife about the great news and was barely keeping his joy contained.

  “I told him I would give Jason a call and let him know. They are only a few miles from here so I expect them to be arriving soon,” he absently remarked as he started looking down the hall toward Caroline’s room.

  “Uncle Joe, why don’t you go and find Aunt Lisa and Josh can call Jason and let him know?” Emily recognized that the nervous Papa-to-be was eager to find his wife and share the news.

  Joe engulfed Emily in a hug, nodded his agreement, and made his way toward the nurse’s station to find Lisa. You could tell just by the way he walked he was trying to contain his glee and it was infectious to be near, a huge smile broke out on my face as I looked toward Emily. She had a genuine smile on her face and I was happy to see it. I took her by the hand and we sat down to call Jason and prepare him for the impending birth of his grandchild.